the struggle
by anabeth blackwell
Summary: my struggle with epilepsy.


18 October 2011

No one can carry the world alone.

Butterflies don't start as something beautiful, but rather they transform through struggle and break through. These intriguing creatures start as nothing more than a slimy crawling caterpillar! As they mature and grow they eventually wrap themselves in a tightly woven cocoon. Within this cocoon they turn into a molecular soup before forming and breaking through as the butterflies I know all too well. In a way I am like a butterfly. Starting out slowly maturing, growing. I began to wrap myself in a cocoon of stress and stubborn efforts to carry the world on my shoulders. For me the melting into a molecular soup symbolizes the melt down I had. One day way back when, I realized that one person could not take on the world by themselves and win. This melt down actually benefitted me. This helped in my life because I had a better appearance, learned to trust others, and over all enjoyed life more.

One way I have prospered from this experience is that I have an overall better appearance. When I get into stressing to deep I began to lack sleep, stopped eating anything, and could care less about my overall style. I always had dark circles and began to care less and less what I looked like. After my "incident" I straightened my back, put my make up on and smiled. As a result I stopped running my hands through my hair, but more importantly I stopped pulling it out. This made my hair less greasy and it grew longer and healthier. Unfortunately a lot of times I would get frustrated as well. I took this out my hitting walls, doors, or anything hard. Everyone began to notice that when I came to school my hands always hurt, my knuckles were busted open and I had scars. I look a lot healthier and happier than I did before. Another way I have a better appearance is in my school work. Since I wasn't sleeping at home I found it hard to focus much less stay awake! I spent so much of my time stressing and worrying that I never had time to do my homework. As a result my grades took a dramatic plummet! My teachers all showed concern for me asking "how can I help?" and "what's going on at home?" I just didn't have the heart to tell them the reason I was failing all my classes was because I couldn't even think strait. After my melt down I gradually brought my grades up and even finished my year with a 3.95! My friends all noticed this change in me and knew that slowly I was healing back into myself.

Another way my meltdown helped me build my life into what it is now is that I gained the ability to trust people. For the longest time I was scared to death to share my burden with anyone. I thought that if I got up off my knees that my legs would just give out again. I knew how it felt to have all the pressures of the world pushing down on me and never wanted anyone to go through what I did. Soon after I broke down, I realized that I could trust my friends. I knew now that it was okay to let them know you were having a bad day or struggling. Turns out everyone has one of those days! Also another way I trusted people was I became adjusted the idea of letting them help me when they offer. I was as simple as letting a friend help me carry my books to class or turning to them when I needed a hug. It was hard at first but letting people help me and telling them when I was having a rough day really showed how much I trusted them.

Over all I think the most important thing I took from this experience is my new found ability to enjoy life! Losing everything has given me the confidence to do anything. I picked up several hobbies since then. I taught myself to play guitar, I learned to skateboard from my friend Clayton, and I even took 4th in "Kent's Got Talent" the city talent competition. This was fun and enjoyable for me because they were things I could do with friends or by myself, but no matter what I always laughed and definitely smiled! Another reason it was so easy to enjoy life was that I spent less time crying there for had more time to spend with my family watching everything grow around me. I spent so much time alone i didn't even realize how fast life was passing me by. One day I looked up from the book I was shocked to see my little sister. When did she get so tall? When did she turn from that baby I once knew into a teenager? It was crazy to think that it felt like only yesterday she was into Barbie and dress up. Now she's into boys and cellphones. From that moment on I vowed to never waste another second of my life so worried that I missed everything else around me.

I can tell from the fact that I have a better appearance, I've learned to trust others, and I enjoy life that I've greatly benefited from my almost deadly encounter with a meltdown. Looking better means I feel better and when I feel better I tend to open up and let people in. trust them. Knowing now that I'm not alone just makes life that much more enjoyable! Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb to the top.


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